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No, I'm not dead yet [Jun. 21st, 2014|08:52 pm]
[Current Location |United States, Nevada, Las Vegas]

It's been almost two years since I last posted to LJ. Wow. I do kinda miss LJ but almost no one really posts here and it doesn't move fast enough for my liking. Life has changed a lot. I'm still with Anthony. I still have Ezekiel. I've gained, lost, and gained a new cat again (Lucy being the lost one and Nemissa being the "new" one). That other one is a bit of a long story, but I don't think it's necessary to talk long about it.

I dropped out of college about a year ago. I do kinda regret it but I feel like I need to grow up before I go back. I kept shitting the bed on my degree so I decided to cut my losses, keep my GPA okay (2.8) and go back when I was going to be more serious about it. I do really still want to do allied health but I just think I'm not meant to be in college at this time. Or I could transition over to some portion of IT, but I dunno. I just feel like that wouldn't be as challenging or as "valuable" to me as something that I believe is meant for the greater good. But alas.

I haven't had a lot of luck concerning jobs since I left Walgreens. I tried housekeeping, decided it wasn't for me, did a call center job before the company closed down abruptly, worked a warehouse job for a week, and now I've been working at an office for 2 months. It's been okay. I like my boss and I'll stick with it as long as I can.

I've moved out of my parent's house with Anthony in an apartment. I do miss my parents but what I miss even more is them having at least an amicable relationship. I've had a feeling for awhile my dad wasn't happy, I just wish he didn't keep a lot of negative to himself and split with my mom the way he did. I know he doesn't love her anymore and hasn't loved her for a long time, it's just I at least wanted him to be happy and at least okay, but I don't know what's up with him. I wish older people were more receptive about going to a psychologist or at least seeking help, but it's his life so whatever.

I've also been trying to lose weight as well. I lost weight like I commented before, but gained back like 30 pounds from my lowest. I'm back at 197, about 6 pounds from my lowest weight. Once I reach 170 I'm considering taking thermogenics and busting my ass off until I hit 150. Then try to widdle down to 130 or so before I go on maintenance and then eventually amateur body building.

It'll take time but I kinda want to go to the military (Either navy, air force, or marines but marines is a long shot, IMO) to make something of myself and develop some skills there. I hate how many naysayers I have in my life though. I've done whatever I put my mind to. Even if I don't end up going to any military branch, I use that to motivate myself to sacrifice my comfort and put myself on a strict eating regiment because I think "Hey, if many people can wake up at 5 in the morning and throw themselves in a hardcore routine I can too".

It's something I can see myself doing realistically if I push myself and see myself attaining the goal instead of trying to get fit to fit into an F21 medium within the next 6 months or wear small Japanese clothing (Which is another goal too).
I just want to change my life, but trying to pick yourself up and work for it is a bitch.
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How things change [Dec. 18th, 2012|07:24 pm]
Wow. I haven't logged in forever here. Honestly it's because I kinda stopped dressing in lolita. Not that I don't want to; I really want to. I just can't afford to atm. Yay work and responsibilities. I'm still with Anthony, thankfully, and considering how I was so unsure in the beginning, it amazes me. I practically live at his apartment now. I still go on the weekends to my place to visit the cats and my parents though. I'm a lot more responsible than I used to be. I just don't feel I'm ready to leave my place fully yet until we're more financially stable. I lost a lot of weight. I topped out at 244 until I went down to 191. I'd like to blame Anthony though, hahaha. A lot of that was happiness weight, I guess. I'm trying to eventually go down to 140/150 and eventually 125 but I'll wait until I get closer to my temporary goal before I embark upon that route.

I honestly wish I didn't work though. Kinda slowed down school. I just hope I can do it this coming year. I finally did pass pre-cal and pre-cal 2. I'm trying to go for calculus now. I'm pretty sure I want to go down the biology route, I just don't know still whether I'm going for nursing (and eventually physician's assistant) or physician's assistant straight out. I hope I can get into college level chemistry but I don't know how that'll work out. I'm also taking biology 197 (advanced intro biology part 2) and anatomy and physiology. There's still a lot I have to work on, but I feel weird about it. I feel like I've changed a lot, but at the same time I've stayed the same.

I lost a lot of friends these few years, so I feel pretty lonely, but I know that's going to happen anyway. I kinda miss my teenager years, but I am honestly happier than I used to be. I don't cry anymore every day or feel miserable about jerk x who made me feel extreme highs and lows. I've gained someone I love and respect, when I never thought I could have that after my ex. I never thought I would've actually found a boyfriend this soon, and sometimes it's been so long I forgot there was a time I didn't spend most of my time at someone else's place. Nothing ever happens according to plan, but I just hope everything works out this next year. I really want to graduate and stop being forever broke.
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Life's going smoothly [Apr. 7th, 2010|02:07 pm]
Been awhile since I've posted. I've kept my job regardless. Yay endurance. I'm doing alright in school. Not as good as last semester but definitely better than most college students I believe, hahahaha. Either way I kinda have an excuse: intro psych and pre-cal are much harder classes than silly liberal arts classes (Yeah, I make fun of them because their requirements are a joke compared to math/science oriented careers, unless they're a fashion/design major or photography major). I also have a boyfriend now =). I've been with him for over a month now. I'm not going to gush for too much but he's a sweetheart. He's a lot of what I wanted and someone I definitely see myself with for a long time. Life seems to be going fine. I'm not on the computer as much as I want to be but that's a good thing right? Actually I have to stay home next semester to take care of the kids while my dad recovers from surgery but I'll hang in there. I'm pretty content and can't complain about too much especially when most people are struggling to get by and don't have it that easy.
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Life is changing a bit? [Feb. 25th, 2010|02:45 pm]
So I got a job (Though it doesn't pay much and I'm barely tolerating it). Both of the people I assist (blind people) for aren't A or B students. Fine. Arius in the morning's pretty nice. Sylvia on the other hand... woah. At first I was okay but now she's just annoying me. Like, the topic in class was marriage... and she went about how "the way god intended it to be" (Monogamy) and about how people aren't honest anymore or polite. She always complains about how people are rude and sometimes I just want to tell her to quit it. She herself is pretty rude for an adult. I tried arranging to have her call me so I'd know where she was, and she got annoyed and said "Don't lecture me".

Excuse me, but it's not really to MY benefit to know where she is or not. I simply wanted to know where she was because she missed a lecture. And she goes on about how people are rude, when she's giving suggestions for menu items at a FAST FOOD restaurant.

Why do the employees care? A cashier is not going to arrange a menu for your suggestions. Neither will they care. They have other things to do. The world was always rude, it's just people put up more of a face back then because of the leftover Puritanial "Be good for you don't know whether you're damned or saved" bullshit. I'm not rude, or so I consider myself, but I'm not all smiles most of the time, neither do I talk to people like I'm a salesperson.

Especially when she smokes, chews gum (And with her mouth open sometimes) loudly, has crappy business sense, and is so ignorant it's not even funny. I didn't mind her at first but as time goes by, goddamn I feel like telling her off for being an ignorant bitter old lady. She really believes the Leave it to Beaver shit where everyone was a sweet person and marriage was better 50 years ago. I'm not even objecting her belief on religious grounds but I had to tell her why people mostly stayed married back then.

And school is much more harder than it was last semester.I can't study psych most of the time, pre-cal is really difficult, I don't have the book for political science, and I really don't enjoy school that much. I want to quit but at the same time I really can't. I miss the days where I simply studied and that was it, but I can't afford to do that. I don't think I'll get A's this semester.

I guess on the bright side I'm kinda dating someone? I'm going to see movies with him this Sunday =). At least that's nice right? Never saw that coming. It was pretty funny. I just added him on IM o.o. I never planned for a relationship in college nor did I want one. But, honestly, fuck it. Life's too short not to give something a chance.
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It gets better [Jan. 29th, 2010|06:05 pm]
Nothing much recently has happened. Got into classes. They're fine except pre-cal where I have to study like a freak. I also recently got a job helping blind students in their classes. Though I'm honestly never too sure because of budget cuts and whatnot. So the next meetup is tomorrow, right? I was thinking what bag I was going to get because I hate my current BtSSB bag. It's cute but it's small. Well, recently also (Apart from school costing an assload) my phone broke so dad and I went to a local 99+ cent store. I didn't mind since there's all kinds of things available. I found a brown tote bag with crowns and hearts all over for $2. There's a crown embroidered on the bottom right side of the front of the bag. For $2 I don't expect much but I thought it was a cool find.
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Jinxy cat Jinxy cat where are you? [Jan. 4th, 2010|05:13 pm]
So I adopted a cat. He's at the pet shelter. To be honest, I'm not that crazy about it, but, I kinda felt I had to get him since cats in shelters get killed and my sister's upset about the cat. She has dreams about him and wakes up pretty disturbed. The kids miss the cat. I miss Adlai, but, I can't go back and save him :/. I think I'm naming him Ezekiel or something. I wish I could find a job. You'd think vacation time would be fun but for me it's so horribly boring :/. I have no money. My parents are barely making ends meet. I can't go out and enjoy myself. I wish I could. It drives me nuts. Even my online friends list has gotten smaller. Oy oy.
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DIY stuff [Jan. 1st, 2010|04:59 pm]
I'm so proud of myself =D. Very recently I got floral paint, clear coat spray, and did my shoes. I've had to redo one a bit but so far they've come out pretty well. Then I also bought procion dye. I think I'll do a review for EGL later. I managed the impossible. I managed to turn a completely white shirt (In my icon) black. I first tried dharma but dharma came out hella nasty. It was so expensive too. $10 for two packets and they ended up staining my clothes to the point that I couldn't wear it outside. My blouse became a grey mess with white splotches. I recently learned that it was a 97% cotton, 3% spandex mixture so this motivated me to look how to dye it correctly (I didn't know at the time but even then, results were inconsistent/washed out fast). The pure cotton long sleeved shirt from AA that was already grey just ended up looking like it got burnt. Mind you I was mixing it, so I don't know why it came out nasty. Well, then I found out you can dye up to 12% spandex (As long as the rest is a natural fiber) with procion's cold water dye.

Well, I got a small 1 oz bottle of Procion MX, 1/3rd of a cup of soda ash, a large pot of water (Like 4-5 gallons?) and an assload of salt, mixed it for 30 minutes WHILE it was heating, and then left it for 60 minutes. I expected a charcoal. Hell no. It came out black after an initial wash and a rinse cycle. I tried to boil it back in the dye to see if the color would loosen or turn a dark blue. Nope. STILL black. I gave it another wash, still black. I'm guessing mixing while boiling it did the trick? Cause I hear it's like a bitch to dye something completely black at home. I will post pics/review later.
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I was getting into the whole family idea until today [Dec. 26th, 2009|10:44 pm]
So I spent most of Christmas Eve and Christmas with Ambrosia, right? It was nice. I got to talk to her family. Granted at first I felt a bit odd but I got comfortable after awhile. Then my mom whined about wanting me over but I pretty much wanted to stay over until my dad kept on bitching so I left early. Today, I wanted to go with my family to windowshop around the mall. My cat was out the whole time because he likes going outside to play with the other cats. Fine. Well, when we came back, my sister told my mom to look under the car before parking because my cat was there. My mom ignored her, thought the cat would move, and she ran over my baby. He jumped up in the air, and twitched his legs so much. He's a big guy so he didn't bleed a lot, and it wasn't a big car. Well, we kept him inside and my dad and sis tried telling me he'd survive. Well, they didn't want to take him to a vet either because we don't have a lot of money. Mind you, this is after watching a program and TELLING me to watch a story about pet insurance in case of emergencies.

Well, he was fine for 2 hours (But I was crying the whole damn time and telling my family to leave me alone) and then when I went with sis to drop off some DVDs and library stuff. When I came home he was hiding under the tree, crying and throwing up blood and phlegm. I started crying and went into my room, where they took him to a vet. Big, big mistake. They know they can't pay, and they took him anyway. Honestly as much as I am optimistic they'll put him down, or if they're nice enough, they'll heal him but I'll never see my baby. I'll never see that little furball that always waited for me and slept with me most of the time. The little bugger that helped me so much with my depression and sleeping issues. I miss my baby so much, and I won't see him again, all because my mom never bought pet insurance and was too stupid to hear my sister telling her the cat was under the car. FML so much.

Edit: My parents confirmed he's dead. I'll always love the little furball. I'm leaving this up for you.

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Appreciating the parents we have [Dec. 24th, 2009|12:07 am]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

I've been depressed a lot lately. I don't talk to many people I know, I don't work, and I don't feel like I contribute much. I'd get a job, but, goddamnit it's so hard. I hate this damn economy I graduated in. But luckily my parents pay for my community college (Thank god I also have the millenium scholarship. Cheaper tuition FTW). My mom works a job that doesn't pay much, and my dad works a job in the morning.

My dad used to have two jobs, but he got fired in his later shift because of his status. I've enjoyed honestly, the freer time he has. He's no long as tired, and I can talk to him a lot more. I've learned to cook a lot. But in this winter, things look grim. My dad doesn't know if they're going to lay him off from his job and my mom never knows either.

Lately, mortality's hit me as a stronger issue lately. It just has hit me all of a sudden, but, my parents are getting older. They're not too old, but next year they'll be 47. I know this. Technically they can retire in Mexico with my mom's inheritance, but, I want to take them in when they're older so they don't have to worry about expenses. Both of my parents are diabetics, and my dad's taking care of himself a lot more. My mom takes insulin and she's smoked for years. Always tries to quit, and she's moved unto sunflower seeds. She's taken her health more seriously lately. I know for some Americans who aren't family-centric their parents can be a wandering issue. And for a long time, for me, it was. I always wanted to be with my friends more.

I always wanted to live closer to my friends and get away from my family. And to this day I still want to go out of state for college. I've remembered the things that they've done. I started bawling like a baby. They've worked two jobs for a long time. Mom worked two jobs and always had a babysitter for us when she could to make sure we could live comfortably without relying on government assistance. For the past few years, I've had nice Christmases. Sure, she was stingy, but we always had food on the table, never had the electricity cut out on us, etc. My dad never drank after my sis was 2 until my sister started getting beaten by her ex-boyfriend but stopped because my sis didn't want him to suffer because of her. They're both very responsible with their finances and only spend when we need it.

Whenever a relative doesn't want to take care of a puppy they want, we take them in. My parents let our pets stink up the place and we don't chain our pets outside. When I'm depressed, my parents help me out. My dad's the kind of guy who gives the shirt off his back to someone who needs it more than himself. My parents take care of my sis, her two kids, and myself even if they don't need to. And I cry like a baby, because they've done so much for me than I've done for them. I was bitter towards my mother because of things that happened to me growing up, cursed them out for a long time, always whined that we were poor, etc. Growing up I always envied people who've had more than us. And I went to Bonanza High School, a school quite a few miles away from me, which cost a lot of gasoline, just so I could go to a school where I felt normal; so I wasn't suicidal from the harassment that I used to get at Charles I. West Middle School.

and I remember the stories of my parents growing up in Mexico. Mom, at the age of 9, left her home to live with her brothers and sisters (Who weren't much older)in an apartment in Mexico City to go to school or else she would've been left with a 3rd grade education. My dad lost his mother at the age of 15. Both of my parents had womanizer dads. Both of them have been working since a young age. They both went to college for free and by the time they were 22 they'd purchased their own apartment in Mexico. My sis was born around this time, and she had pus in her body when she was 2.

She could've died, but my dad begged his brother to lend her some money so they'd operate her in a private hospital. After this, both of my parents left for the United States where they worked odd jobs here and there until I was born. Since they'd worked many hours since I was little, I was always bitter about my parents not being there very often, but, whenever they could they'd take us out. And for years I forgot this. And yet so many people I know never grew up in a two parent household, and didn't have parents as loving as mine. And so many out there have parents who never gave up so much for them. I regret not realizing I have great parents until now. So many people throw in the towel but they never do. And for that, I am grateful.
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I think I'm going to start sewing o.o. [Dec. 12th, 2009|11:32 pm]
Well, I love lolita, and it is a flattering fashion. I'm bored and I want to learn something so I think I'm going to start sewing. I've been practicing with a blouse I have because it was too big. Although I didn't have materials before, I do now. I spent a pretty penny buying some. I also bought sewing for dummies and my sis knows a bit about sewing. I don't have the money for classes and honestly, I don't think I need them if I spend enough time just trying to practice. I know, my first creations aren't going to be pretty, and I certainly will keep on buying the more elaborate stuff from people who know how to do it, but yeah. I feel kinda proud of myself because I've started doing something I've wanted to for years. I can also finally hem those pants I've been wanting to for years XD. Yeah.
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